Things I’m Finally Giving Myself Permission to Do at 44

I turn 44 this week.

I’m not entirely sure how that happened. In my head, I’m still young enough to make questionable decisions without first checking whether there will be somewhere to sit.

But here we are.

By this age, I assumed I’d have a better handle on things. A clear direction. A sensible bedtime. Some understanding of what all the settings on the washing machine actually do.

Instead, I have responsibilities, children, an impressive collection of browser tabs, and several questions about what I walked into this room to get.

So this year, I’m giving myself a few birthday presents that don’t require batteries, assembly, or a discussion about the credit card bill.

Permission, mostly.

1. To enjoy something without getting good at it

Somewhere along the way, having an interest started coming with homework.

Enjoy writing? Better publish something. Like making things? Open a shop. Find something fun? Wonderful. What’s your business plan?

Jesus Christ. Can I just enjoy Tuesday?

I like learning. I like creating. I like the moment an idea starts becoming something real. That experience has value even if it never earns a dollar or impresses a stranger.

At 44, I’m giving myself permission to do things because I like doing them.

My hobbies have been informed that quarterly performance reviews are canceled.

2. To need time alone without making a legal case for it

I love my family.

I also occasionally want nobody to say “Dad” for twenty consecutive minutes.

Both statements can be true, although the second one apparently requires more explanation.

When you’re a husband, father, and employee, your time fills up quickly. There’s always something that needs doing, and someone who reasonably needs you to do it.

It gets easy to believe your own time is whatever remains after everyone else is finished.

The problem is, everyone else is never finished.

I’m giving myself permission to claim a little time before I’m exhausted and irritated. Coffee. Writing. A show. Sitting somewhere without answering a question about where someone’s shoes are.

I would like to spend some time with Ben. I hear he’s pretty funny.

3. To be a beginner again

Starting something new in your forties feels strangely vulnerable.

You’re old enough that people expect you to know things. You have opinions about home repairs. You’ve attended meetings where your presence was apparently necessary.

Then you try something unfamiliar and immediately become a confused student with a notebook.

Good.

I still want to learn things. I want to ask basic questions without apologizing for them. I want to explore an idea without announcing that I’ve discovered my destiny.

Sometimes I’ll keep going. Sometimes I’ll decide it isn’t for me.

Either way, I’ll know more than I did when I started.

4. To take my own brain seriously

Learning more about my ADHD has helped me understand things I spent years getting frustrated with myself about.

It has also made me reconsider how often I expected sheer determination to solve a problem that needed a different approach.

I’m giving myself permission to use reminders, smaller steps, visual cues, and whatever else helps me function.

Even if it looks excessive. Even if somebody else can “just remember.”

Congratulations to that person and their factory-installed task management system.

I’ll be over here writing it down.

5. To put effort into the friendships that feel mutual

I like people. I like making them laugh. I like the random conversations that turn an ordinary day into a good one.

I want more of those.

At 44, I’m giving myself permission to reach out, send the old photo, suggest lunch, and tell someone I’m glad we’re friends.

I’m also giving myself permission to ease off when I’m always the one reaching.

There doesn’t need to be a dramatic exit or a closing statement. I can simply spend more time with the people who are happy to make time for me.

6. To have a good day while some things are still difficult

This one takes practice.

When something in life is unresolved, enjoying yourself can feel almost irresponsible. Surely you should be thinking about it. Again. Perhaps this time, while brushing your teeth, you’ll solve the entire situation.

But difficult things can take a long time.

I’d hate to postpone every good moment until they’re sorted.

I’m giving myself permission to laugh at lunch, enjoy a movie, or have a great conversation on a day when other parts of life still feel hard.

The problems will receive my attention. They don’t get every minute.

7. To want more room for myself

I’m grateful for my life. I love the people in it.

And I still have things I want.

More time to create. More conversations that leave me smiling. More experiences I chose because they sounded fun.

I don’t want to reach my next birthday and realize I spent another year treating all of that as something I might get around to.

So that’s my birthday resolution.

Make a little room. Ask for what I need. Enjoy something without justifying it.

I’m turning 44.

I’d like to be present for it.

Preferably with coffee.