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Thursday, Aug 15 2013

Blunt Monkey: Why Women Date Assholes

If you have been reading my blog for a long time you know I USED to post a lot about my trepidations with being single. Well this article was sent to me today under the pretense of "Look, he says what you have been saying all along". lol. Enjoy... or don't.

Link to original article.

My freshman year of college, one of my best friends was a girl named Lindsey. I remember sitting on her couch one night at her dorm after she found out her boyfriend had cheated on her. 'Why can't I find a nice guy for once?' she lamented.

Like so many men before me, I just sat there, consoling her, being a good friend. Oh, to have a time machine! I'd go back and say this: 'Well, I'm a nice guy, and you seem pretty fucking content to pass me over even though I'm clearly in love with you. Maybe if you weren't so busy banging every asshole football player or band member you met, you'd have time to give guys like me a chance.'

Oh, don't worry. I'm (mostly) over it now. But I feel like the hot chick/asshole guy dynamic is explained away too often by the observation: 'Oh, she must be really insecure.' Well what makes her insecure? And anyway, why would an asshole make her feel more secure than a sweet, loving guy?

You wanna know the truth? Assholes are assholes because they can afford to be. They're that hot. Pick your poison: handsome, rich, funny, famous - any guy with one or more of these traits has license to be an asshole. Women aren't just superficially attracted to any guy who is an asshole - or else Britney Spears would be dating the mean, drunken homeless guy down the street. No, women like cool assholes. And if a guy is cool enough to be desired by many women, he has no incentive to be particularly nice to any one woman.

Oh, but women are nice to assholes! Do you know how awesome it was for a woman to get with the alpha-male of the clan 50,000 years ago? It was a pretty sweet gig. While other men and women went hungry, the strongest male always got first dibs on food, and was able to provide resources and protection to any women in his care. And there was usually more than one woman. Just as we see in modern day apes, it is surmised that ancient hunter-gatherer groups often featured 'harems' of the best females for a single alpha male. And why not? One awesome man was enough to impregnate multiple women. And those women could be assured that the children they bore would have his genes, and that they, too, could one day grow up to be successful alpha males. Alpha males aren't known for their kindness, or tenderness, or fidelity. But those traits weren't as in-demand back then as food, protection, and good genes. I guess they still aren't.

Understanding our harem-based ancestry explains a lot. Firstly, it explains why modern alpha male assholes like Charlie Sheen like to form their own 'harems' of porn stars and strippers (or 'goddesses,' if you will). Furthermore, I think this explains why so many women are content to be a man's 'mistress,' even when they know his primary relationship is with his wife. Back in the early stone age, it was a lot better to be the alpha male's #2 or #3 babe than to be some loser's #1. Would you rather have a ' of a delicious cheeseburger, or all of a shit sandwich? Assholes are cheeseburgers. Nerds are shit sandwiches.

So yes, women say they want 'a nice guy.' Somebody who 'has character' or 'will be faithful.' Someone 'intelligent' and 'funny.' Somebody who 'treats them right.' But under certain circumstances, they will alter their priorities. With this in mind, I have created a chart that explains my observations. It is based on years of clinical studies and you may need a degree in the applied sciences to understand it. But it explains the complex set of rules that determine who women are really attracted to:
Women will date a guy who: If he is:
Is a complete asshole Rich, Handsome, or Famous
Cheats on them Rich, Handsome, or Famous
Makes them cry Rich, Handsome, or Famous
Is boring Rich, Handsome, or Famous
Is stupid Rich, Handsome, or Famous
Is emotionally or physically abusive Rich, Handsome, or Famous

The problem is both men and women have failed to adapt to modern times. It turns out that women don't need men to provide and protect as desperately as they did thousands of years ago. Tina Turner is letting Ike beat the shit out of her because she thinks she needs him, not realizing that it is she who is the hot, rich, famous one. She should have been beating him! Ditto Chris Brown and Rihanna. To me, that's not just simple insecurity - that's a hard-wired blindness to the evolving male-female reality, a result of our primitive brain struggling with the modern condition.

You, and you alone, are in charge of changing these evolutionary blind spots in your own life. Ladies, you wanna get screwed over by men who act like assholes? Fine by me. But every time you do, you help create the world you claim to despise. You reward the assholes and make the nice guys bitter.

And men, quit chuckling like it doesn't happen to us too. Like women, we have over-reacted to an evolutionary urge to mate with women who can bear us attractive offspring. Ever heard a man say he wants a girl who's - chill-  or - down to earth? Or how about- I'd love to meet a girl "who's funny" or "who loves sports" or "who can just hang out with the guys." Uh huh. But what will men actually put up with?

Men will date a girl who: If she is:
Is dumb as a rock Hot
Is devoid of ambition Hot
Hates their friends Hot
Has no sense of humor whatsoever Hot
Hates sports Hot
Cheats on them Hot
Treats them like shit Hot
Is completely, totally batshit crazy Hot

Now, are there hot girls out there with great personalities? Sure. Are there successful men who are really nice? Of course. Are they extremely rare, and often already married, probably to each other? You betcha. Are the rest of us going to have to make some compromises? Yeah, but that's not so bad. Better to compromise and be happy than keep getting screwed over for the rest of our lives.

In summary, we all seem intellectually capable of knowing what we really want. But when you dangle the sexiest of the opposite sex in front of us, it all goes out the window. Our whininess about the difficulty of finding good partners is eclipsed only by our rampant hypocrisy.

So you have two choices, society: 1) Override your primitive instincts and actually date the kind of people you claim to desire, or 2) Kill all the rich, good looking people of the world so some other traits can rise to the top. I'm good either way.


Thursday, Sep 27 2012

Doing What I Want

There are very few advantages (IMO) to being single.  One of the biggest one's is doing whatever I want. ("Sometimes I do what I want to do. The rest of the time, I do what I have to" - Gladiator) I get to decide my daily agenda really with no regard for anyone else, without having to check with anyone else, and without having to worry about what anyone feels about what it is I'm doing (within reason of course). This is one of the few things about being single that I do enjoy.

Last Sunday my roommate moved out and I have been spending time re-decorating her room.  I showed a picture of the new room to a friend of mine who commented 'It doesn't look like a girl ever lived there, it looks like a boy lives there' with a scowl on her face. To which I retorted "A boy does, ME!" I did not have to consult with anyone when I picked the colors, when I picked the drapes, when I picked the posters, when I bought the futon, when I decided to hook up the TV, and when I decided that would be a great place for my classic Nintendo, and I love it. I really like what I have done with the room and feel like I have found a good balance between making it a "functional" room that I can/will go into and will also serve as a guest bedroom when needed.

A lot of times I fee obligated to go to something that I don't really want to go to, I'm trying a lot harder to weed these things out and only go to things I really want to go to (or at least feel like I have to). When someone invited me to a event and I decline, there's that weird feeling where I'm not sure if I owe them an explanation. Me personally, I don't care why you are not coming to something I have invited you to, the event will still probably happen whether you are coming or not. (my new "party of one" mentality") Some people want the explanation though, so I give it to them. Sometimes that explanation is nothing more sophisticated than "because I don't want to." This ideal is not popular.  For some reason I am the only person in the world for which this reason is enough! Would you rather me force myself to come and then be unhappy while I'm there, or just not come? I mean if it's your birthday and that's where you wanted to go, fine I'll suck it up and find a way to have a good time, but otherwise i should be allowed to spend my time doing what I want with whom I want until I have a girlfriend, without judgement.

That is all.


Tuesday, Sep 18 2012

Why Women Give Bad Advice (

Why Women Give Bad Dating Advice

From female friends and exes to love gurus, women are the last people who know what they want.

By Alex White, Relationship Correspondent

Page 1: Bad female advice

Have you ever noticed that the worst dating advice you get about winning women over usually comes from women themselves? Women are famous for not knowing what they want.

They say they want a nice guy, but follow jerk-offs like lemmings. They say they want flowers, poems and gifts, but get turned off if the wrong guy sends them a birthday card.

Clearly, they don't understand their needs or their triggers.

Follow these hints and you'll soon learn to wade through the deluge of useless feminine advice to find the real nuggets of wisdom.

advice to make more friends

The female friends in your life will often tell you to lay all your feelings out on the table. "Tell her how you feel," "Be a nice guy" and "Don't sleep with her right away."

Their advice will get you more girl friends, but sadly, no bedmates.

They mean well, but truth be told, they're setting you up to look like a chump. Because when you play Mr. Nice Guy and open all her doors and sleep on the couch, you're not making a lover -- you're making a friend. And a boring one at that! Your female buddies might think they're helping you out, but they're really just sending another hapless calf off to slaughter.

even mom doesn't get it

"Just be yourself" sounds nice when mom says it, doesn't it? And we know she wants the best for us, but we need to a draw a distinction in this piece of advice. Don't just be yourself, please yourself. That means going after the woman you want and being open about your motives, with no apologies!

Simply "being" is not enough; you need to be a man of action. Mom can't give good advice until she lets go of her image of you as a "nice little boy."

ex-girlfriends suck

We have to be wary of the exes' "tips," as these characters will either tell you what you want to hear to get you to move on, or they'll wreck your chances of replacing them. Ex-girlfriends will tell you things like, "The harder you look, the less you find," and "Maybe you shouldn't date anyone for a while."

This is hardly any consolation to a depressed, horny guy. And I defy you to find me an ex-girlfriend who wants you to start dating a girl who is much hotter than she is. Your exes can't give good advice because their egos are involved.

Gurus suck, so you gotta make sure you know what women want...

Page 2: Women don't know what they want

female self-help gurus

A quick read through internet sites and self-help books reveals an unsettling trend: Following the advice of self-dubbed gurus actually weakens your power in the dating game. Many of these self-help coaches dish out tips like "Be more sensitive to her needs" and "Be romantic." Their advice seems to focus on men changing themselves to suit women's needs, all the while ignoring their own. Yeah, I don't think so. 

They'll tell you communication is more important than wealth or looks. But if you open up and give away all your desires, dreams and fears, don't expect your woman to hang around for too long. If you're not mysterious, you're no longer a challenge, and she will move on. 

One popular female dating coach tells men to fill in any awkward silences by delivering a compliment. Now come on; any experienced player knows to give compliments sparingly, if at all. You can't inflate their heads with insincere compliments just because you ran out of things to say. They have to earn the compliments. 

Another dating pundit advises men be to be decisive because indecisive men won't be able to handle a wife and family. Is it possible to raise the stakes any higher? Jeez, talk about pressure. 

And these experts say to always have plans on a date, forgetting that predictable men turn women off faster than The Clapper. The secret is to prepare for a date (such as making a reservation at a restaurant), but make it appear spontaneous and fun. 

The truth is that the "experts" can't get down and dirty because their loyalties are not to you, but to the women you are trying to chase. By sabotaging guys, they make life easier for the ladies. 

women's utter confusion

Sometimes you even muster up the courage to ask a girl what she wants, what attracts her and what turns her on. However, this straight-up approach usually gets you a less-than-straight answer. You might get a list of qualities, like "nice, romantic, generous, polite, listens more than he talks, financially secure, remembers birthdays, and appreciates the finer things"  -- qualities that have been glaringly absent in her last five boyfriends.

When women discuss what they want in a man, remember that they might not be fully aware of what really turns them on.

chuck bad female advice

Precious few females encourage men to snag women with a combination of cockiness and a biting sense of humor. Some of the better advice includes not needing to spend too much money on a date, and developing and exuding authentic confidence

The best dating advice women can give you is to be honest, assertive and respectful, but not to roll over and act like a wimp. Always hold a little something back.

If you heed bad female dating wisdom, you'll be a very confused and uncertain man. Don't be that guy. Women want challenging, confident, mystery-engulfed men. Unfortunately, they are often unwilling or unable to tell you. Or maybe they're unwilling to face it.


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Most of my blogging has to deal with weight loss, if you can tell from the tag cloud above. I didn't want to use my blog to just be like "oh, here is what I did over the weekend," my life isn't that interesting. Instead I began this blog in hopes of expressing a lot of the thoughts I have about my own life and life in general, as well as share a lot of the humerous things I see out on the net including chat conversations. This blog might seem random and all over the place but serves as a great deal of inspiration not only formyself, but it would seem for a few others. If you have come here I hope you are either inspired, or at least entertained. Enjoy!

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